Last year at this time I addressed boundaries and how to use them effectively to have a good holiday season.
After giving a presentation to my community about boundaries and family of choice I heard a resounding theme.
It seemed the crowd had a great grasp on the concept of boundaries including how to use them and how to make them effective. The questions came as we shifted the focus to family of choice.
Family of choice refers to those who find the holidays are best spent with the family members they have chosen. Some times these are blood relatives, some times they are friends collected along the way. These are the people who make up the inner circle of your world. They are the people you trust fully and are there for you through thick and thin.
Guilt is a feeling associated with doing something wrong. Usually intentionally wrong. Or how dictionary.com puts it “the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:He admitted his guilt.
When one gets married and especially when they have children, this is your family. Parents, siblings, and other relationships take a back seat to your marriage and children.
I suggest another word for the feeling associated with recognizing that a family of choice doesn’t include a parent(s) or sibling(s).
It sucks. No one in the world likes recognizing that a family member or someone they were raised by or raised with has a negative impact on them and their partner or children. And often those who need to build a family of choice the most have given way too much time, thought, consideration, and has given too many second chances.
Let go. Grieve. And give yourself permission to spend your holidays with people who make you feel loved, connected, and cared about.
There is a tendency in our culture to think that change, like love, is just something that happens. However, there are steps or access points to engage in change. Use a combination of these access points and watch the results pile up. I will list these from easiest to more difficult.
- Physical State: One way to encourage yourself to think differently or make different decisions is to get in a good work out. If you are using a workout for this specific purpose, schedule it as early in the day as possible. Think about how you feel post workout: strong, empowered, ready to take on anything, and a bit proud of yourself. These feelings are great places to start making new decisions or renewed commitment to the decisions you are trying to make. If this is hard for you to imagine, think about the decisions you tend to make when you are feeling sad or stressed out or after binge watching Grey’s Anatomy all afternoon. Try tracking this for a week…. I am not supposed to guarantee anything as a therapist… but I can guarantee this strategy! You don’t need me to make this change!
- Behavior: Make a commitment to changing a behavior like drinking more water, writing more, picking up a new hobby, or joining a club/community. I find it is easier for most people to add a new behavior or learn something new rather than making the focus quitting something. For instance it is hard to keep repeating to yourself “watch less tv” because you are reminding yourself of TV every time. Try repeating “write more” it will guide your thoughts in a new direction.
- Food: Let’s face it, nutrition is not a rocket science these days. It is common knowledge that less food from a package and more fresh fruits and vegetables is a healthy way to go. Don’t discount the power of food on your mood and perception of your context. Eating fresh foods that you know are good for you can dramatically change the way you think and interact. Try drinking less caffeine … I know, that one is hard for a lot of people but caffeine is a stimulant and all stimulants no matter their legal status increase anxiety, jitteriness, irritability, and can prevent you from getting a good nights sleep.
- Insight: We all have those moments when we “know” something but still choose to act the same way. It is hard to generate new insight inside the mind that got you to where you are now. New insight can be generated however through a coach, a class, or a therapist. These are contexts in which you can share where you get stuck and a new person with a different experience of you and your context can generate new ways of thinking about it.
I encourage my clients to make an attempt at all four. If a client is making change in a couple of these areas, therapy becomes exponential accelerating change and helping it stick. Michael Long, the other therapist here at Cascadia Family Therapy, calls therapy “New Year Resolution super glue.” Adding that fourth component to your commitment to work out more or eat healthier adds momentum.
Give it a try and let me know what you find in the comments below!