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“This is what we do in Oregon. We take care of one another.” Governor Kate Brown

“Eat good quality food and make good decisions.” Chef Rich Hull at A Broken Angel

These two phrases are pinging around my mind this morning. I like many of you have struggled as life adversity has stacked up upon the ambiguous loss from COVID we are all in together. I know I am not alone, these stressors stacking upon us all like a delicately balanced cairn marking the journey of our lives.  My hope is that you can find a phrase that holds your heart, a good meal of whole foods to fill your stomach, and lean into our community. It’s ok to just hold on and to just survive. Remember that perspective, optimism and positivity is sometimes only found on the other side. It’s ok to not try to optimize, thrive, or learn right now.

We are thinking of you, whatever your struggle may be.

I’ve tried many times to write something meaningful since going into COVID lockdown but have come up short many times. The situation feels like it’s continuing to evolve and showing up fresh and ready to serve my clients to the best of my ability via video conferencing has been all I can seem to muster.

The common denominator of all the recent events we are experiencing together is that each one of us is being called to evolve. For our planet, for our fellow humans, and for those who have endured injustice for far too long.

No matter where you are on the scale of evolving or if you had to pass through denial first to get to the place where you can see your work laid out before you; psychotherapy is and will continue to be your place to find your path.

We are here with you and for you!

Joella and Michael Long

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists

To be honest, when I leapt into offering phone and video conference sessions March 15th this was my thought too. I was uncertain how it would go but I felt called to protect some of my more vulnerable clients. What really sealed the deal was finding research that video and phone sessions are equally as effective as in person sessions.

After five weeks, I can say with confidence, it isn’t awkward! Well, that is probably a nerdy therapist over statement… It still has those inevitable awkward moments just like  therapy sessions in real life but instead of it being me choking on my tea or sneezing loudly it is the screen freezing for a moment.

I am not sure if it has been the act of shifting quickly into unknown territory, baking during my lunch breaks or spending more time with my recently adopted dog Minimoo, but there has been something revitalizing about doing therapy this way. I have felt inspired to work lately, like being a new therapist ten years ago all over again.

It has become a passion and I find myself championing in the supermarket and outside my favorite food cart – phone and video therapy works! Now is truly a great time to start!

P.S. Minimoo requested a more adorable photo be included in this post:

The Basics:

This  chapter is a bit longer than the last, weighing in at 24 pages.  Despite the added length, I found this chapter to be a very quick read, and most couples should be able to work through it very easily in a week when sharing a single copy of the book.  The date recommendations included in this chapter might require an extra step or two of planning together, so if you are planning on a Friday night date, I would recommend that  both partners complete the reading by Wednesday so that you can dedicate some time to planning the date together on Thursday.

Reflections:

This chapter quickly sets a different tone compared to last week’s chapter.  Rather than building rapport by offering vignettes that make the topic seem personal, the authors dive right into the research, offering findings from a variety of both published and unpublished works.  Having attended a live workshop myself on the importance of play last week, I imagine that the authors intended to immediately address some of the barriers that spring up when trying to convince the average adult American that play is critical to daily life.  These barriers come up frequently when Joella and I are working with couples, and I believe that any couple who has deliberately worked through this chapter together will have an easier time working through these barriers in their couples therapy sessions.

As I read through the first few pages of the the chapter, I have to admit that it sparked some tangential thoughts about the society and culture we live in.  For example, why on Earth do we need intellectuals to rigorously make the case for the benefit of trying to seek out some joy in life and in our relationships?   It reminds me of being a fourth grader, experiencing the first unpleasant symptoms of strep throat, trying to convince “responsible” adults that I felt too ill to have lunch with the other children.  Joella and I both work with people who have experienced years of hardship and emotional struggle because they have been waiting for an authority figure to give them permission to express their legitimate human needs.  So, my soapbox comment is that you don’t really need anyone’s permission or validation to seek joy in your own life and relationships.  But, if you still feel like you do need the cold, hard facts to justify your own laughter, this chapter clearly explains the benefits of seeking out fun and adventure as a couple and the risks of letting this part of life’s garden go untended. A few examples include the positive effects on brain development across the lifespan as well as increased levels of reported marital satisfaction in couples that dedicate time and energy into seeking out fun and novelty together.

I really appreciated how much of the vignette content in this Chapter was pulled from the Gottmans’ own personal relationship experiences.  These vignettes highlighted how they have drastically different ideas about fun and adventure.  Despite these differences, they have developed ways of taking part in their partner’s enjoyment without having to physically take part in the actual activity.  They also showed ways in which they were able to develop some mutual fun activities that really foster a sense of appreciation of novelty and whimsy.  They provide a great example for how a couple can coordinate to balance both the dreams and fears of both partners.

The chapter moves on to provide some very simple self-assessment  questions that can help the reader gauge their own perceptions and behaviors around this topic.  This self-assessment really turns the focus of the chapter into ways that you can begin to change your behavior in your relationship to make room for fun and laughter, which the authors assert is critical to relationship satisfaction. They really continue to emphasize that both members of a couple need not experience or seek out adventure in the same way in order to have high levels of relationship satisfaction. 

Common ground is easier to find than some may imagine.  I really like the some of the recommendations/ examples such as deciding to turn your cell phones off together for an entire day. “You just have to bring a spirit of play into whatever you are doing.  Play needs to be a priority.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that after all the work is done, then you will play together.  It won’t happen.” (page 171) 

The authors provide practical examples of how to include this mindset into typical daily tasks in ways that might seem a little odd at first, but hold the promise of injecting moments of fun and joy into moments that most couples often come to dread or avoid.  I can imagine that there are significant second and third order benefits to many other aspects of the relationship beyond what is discussed in this chapter.  For example, if  the couple learns to inject fun and playfulness around monthly budgeting, that could lead to more productive financial habits within the relationship.

The Date:  

The authors provide the readers with some preparatory materials that you will need to review before going on the date.  The preparation involves doing some guided self-reflection on the things that you find adventurous, playful, joyful, etc.  I like the way that the book provides some ideas or suggestions, but leaves space for you to come up with your own ideas.  Spoiler alert: In case any of you were wondering, yes… shark cage diving is included in the list of possible activities that you might find inspiring.  

I feel like the authors put in extra effort to help the readers set up a date that includes the principles from the chapter and makes adequate space for the readers to engage mental muscles that that have been weakened or atrophied by today’s daily rush of nonstop electronic stimulation.  I recommend really looking into the date troubleshooting section on page 180.  The recommendations there seem to be very well considered and would be helpful to help most of the couples that we have worked with avoid getting caught up in the feedback patterns that can suck the life and joy out of once fulfilling relationships and activities.

After working with couples for a number of years, I feel that this chapter may be one of the most powerful tools in the whole book.  If you can take the basic principles from this date and apply them to your daily relationship patterns, you will be well on your way to making sure that love an connection are are daily part of your future, even when faced with adversity.  Let me restate that more emphatically… especially when faced with adversity!

Please join us next week as we allow the authors to help us look into the spiritual side of life in Chapter 7.  Thanks for reading!

Welcome to the second week of our progress in the Gottman 8 week couples challenge!

Quick recap:  Joella and I have decided to read and participate in the activities featured in the Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman, Julie Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams and then share some of our reflections on the experience.  Last week, we addressed trust and commitment.  This week, the topic moves on to addressing conflict in our intimate relationships.

WEEK TWO

This week’s reading assignment was lighter than the first, with a total of about 21 pages or total reading (including the practical exercise and week two date guide).  Reading time is a factor that many couples don’t consider when they get on board with a plan like this. If you and your partner are thinking about participating in this, or a similar program, remember that you will need reading time scheduled in addition to your date activity.  Luckily, the authors of Eight Dates are efficient at communicating the underlying principles and how these principles impact our relationships.  This makes the reading prep time very easy to plan and complete.

TAKEAWAY

As we started into week two, I really appreciated the vignette that kicks off the chapter.  Without getting too deep into gender narratives or biases, I think that most readers (myself included) would benefit from reading the introductory vignette and then taking a few minutes to reflect on how the dynamics around conflict affected each of the partners.  From the language that I hear couples use in therapy, I have deduced that many of us have been trained to adhere to the “might makes right” philosophy… but I often notice that many of the couples that we see in couples therapy have been trained in the even more destructive philosophy of “right makes might.”  Simply put, they seek out correctness, winning arguments or being right as the primary goals in all of their relationships.   This chapter does a great job of showing where this path leads, and how to change direction and reshape the way that conflict occurs in the context of committed relationship.

I agree completely with the position that they take from the very beginning… that discussing conflict with your partner should not be attempted in the midst of conflict.  This chapter provides a brief guide for how to navigate the challenge of this date without getting bogged down in a “meta-conflict” regarding how they discuss handling conflict. This it is bound to happen for a number of couples… if you find yourself in that situation,  follow the instructions and stick to the program!

I feel like the most powerful perspective that came from this chapter was how it guides couples to begin the process of learning to perceive conflict as an opportunity to get to know your partner more deeply, and opportunity to try to understand the world as they experience it.  In my opinion, this is a critical skill and the couples who actively work on it experience much greater relationship satisfaction.

There is also a focus on one of the Gottmans’ core principles from previous books, which basically asserts that the majority of conflict in an intimate relationship is unresolvable, meaning that the partners will continue to disagree on the specific matter for as long as they are together.  They appear to have the research to back up this assertion and Joella and I definitely see this at work in our own lives and in the lives of the couples with who we are lucky enough to work.  It really drives home the importance of being able to reframe these unsolvable problems into opportunities for intimacy!

My favorite part of the chapter was the practical exercise called “We All Have Issues.”  in this section, the authors outline 25 common topics that can lead to conflict in a couple… and all of them are spot-on!  Each one of these is well-thought out and can lead to deeper understanding and intimacy if discussed in an open-minded state of curiosity about your partner’s experience.  That said, I do think that some of these topics might be easier to discuss in the presence of a therpist (or two in the case of our couples work).

I really appreciated the way that this second week’s date allowed us to use conflict (past, present and future) in order to increase intimacy and feel closer than ever.  This is a valid skill for all couples… even the married therapists!

Stay tuned for week three, where the book dives into Sex and Intimacy!

At Cascadia Family Therapy, when we begin to work with a couple, an essential task we ask couples to engage in during the course of therapy is date night. Not only are dates an important part of a healthy relationship, they also become time set aside with intention to discuss therapy.

It is exciting that the Gottmans have now written a book on this topic. Dr. John Gottman is an incredible researcher who has the ability to take the softer topics of therapy and put it together with hard science.

Check out their new book or try out their Eight Date Challenge!

Gottman’s Eight Date Challenge

Michael and I will be trying it out and blogging along the way!