Eight Dates Challenge

At Cascadia Family Therapy, when we begin to work with a couple, an essential task we ask couples to engage in during the course of therapy is date night. Not only are dates an important part of a healthy relationship, they also become time set aside with intention to discuss therapy.

It is exciting that the Gottmans have now written a book on this topic. Dr. John Gottman is an incredible researcher who has the ability to take the softer topics of therapy and put it together with hard science.

Check out their new book or try out their Eight Date Challenge!

Gottman’s Eight Date Challenge

Michael and I will be trying it out and blogging along the way!

Updates and Expansion

Wow! We have so much to share!

As many of you already know, Michael and I both taught at Bastyr University this summer in their Graduate Counseling Program. It was an awesome summer spending time with amazing students, spending more time with friends and family, and enjoying “one of the driest summers in western Washington history!”

It was refreshing learning new skills, taking a break from having clients, and reorganizing Cascadia Family Therapy (so much more to come on that soon!). We have landed back in Bend right in time for a beautiful fall and we are anxiously awaiting a larger office space to accommodate our shift to mostly co-couples therapy. I cannot wait to share photos of the new space!!!

We are starting to schedule free 20 minute consultations which is the first step in working with us.

Stay tuned and/or schedule your consultation to begin couples therapy!

Repairing a Relationship

It has been an embarrassingly long time since I have sat down to reflect and write in this space. Michael and I have been spending most of our time providing therapy to some incredible couples over the past few months. Time flies when we are working together… it is such a privilege to do this work.

Something we keep running into time and time again is the myth that when couples enter therapy the past wounds will be covered with immediate action like homework. Clients are eager to ask for the next task but the work is a little harder to spot and it certainly cannot be checked off a to do list.

The work lies often in holding both realities. The reality that the relationship is being worked on and will improve and the reality of the damage that has been done. Part of repair then is being able to sit with your partner in those tense moments when one or both of you lacks confidence in the relationship. Having compassion for one another and being able to see that the past hurt is just as real as the new future you are creating together.

The magic ingredient is not letting those moments set you back. Instead have confidence that this uncomfortable space of rehashing isn’t the past argument, it is a new conversation because it now exists in the context of working on the relationship. Rehashing for couples before therapy often happens in the context of “will we stay together” or “is this relationship healthy for me/us.”

Can you hold both the past hurt and the desired future just long enough to start to see it change?

Remember, change in humans is the same as a growing plant. It is hard to detect until you look for it.

 

Self-Care and Restoration

I used to think self-care was quiet time or that I could feel restored after a long night of interrupted sleep.

As a new therapist you are encouraged to “practice self-care” as it can be a shock to the system to begin this work. So my first several years as a therapist were spent seeking quiet solitude, watching movies, or attempting to ensure 9 hours of sleep as often as possible.

However, as I enter into 2018 I have drawn a new conclusion about what practicing self-care looks like… at least for myself.

  • Self-care is actually found in adventure.
  • Restoration is found in sleepless nights in the wilderness and bumpy flights to foreign lands.
  • Caring for myself means shaking off the limits that seem to settle on me like dust on trail runs and ski slopes.
  • A restorative night can be found staying up late connecting and catching up with loved ones.
  • Self care can be found in everyday chores or a commute when I am with my partner or listening to a good podcast.

It seems there is a message that self-care means being alone or disengaging with life. I have found the opposite to be true. Self-care and that feeling of being fresh and restored actually comes from truly living and engaging with life. Try it out 🙂

Resolve

I still love New Year Resolutions. I love that there is a time of year that people feel some sense of inspiration about their future. There is a magic in the air as one year closes out and a new one begins. A magic that seems to help some people give themselves a chance to dream or reimagine themselves.

The problem comes when they wake up two weeks later in a culture that doesn’t support change and growth. We live in a time when it is easier than ever to keep the status quo, avoid personal responsibility, and busy ourselves into oblivion.

Still, I believe in people. I have the honor of seeing people change their lives all the time… not just in January. I also know that sometimes people need a few false starts. Sometimes the journey is trying out new ways of being and discarding what doesn’t work. I don’t blame people for quitting gyms after two weeks. Have you been to most gyms during January? The place is packed and its cold and flu season… gross. Maybe it will lead you to finding the right gym, the right workout community, or the right sport that keeps you fit. Sometimes we make progress in quitting.

But I digress.

I promised myself this wouldn’t be a blog of “Joella’s new year opinions.” Rather, I wanted to talk about Cascadia Family Therapy’s resolve to provide the highest quality couple and family therapy we possibly can. We are more committed than ever in 2018 to creating massive change in the lives of our clients and in our industry.

It is time for the old way of therapy (you know the once a week, bill your insurance, only to get a bill months later, all the while wondering what your therapist is trying to accomplish with you kind) to get out of your way. It is time for a new way of therapy. Therapy that is transparent, empowering, and collaborative. Therapy that trusts the clients to do the work and believes in people’s resilience and possibility. 

We are here to do that work. When a couple or family is ready for change, we are here to work, support, encourage, provide skills, whatever it takes.

We believe in YOU to build the life you want. Make your resolution stick!

Interconnected

One of my favorite parts about being a marriage and family therapist (or systems therapist) is that we can pick from a wide variety of context to create change. Our minds and bodies are deeply connected and our relationships and environment are also connected to us. When you think of humans in the way, you can see how picking one area of life and making a positive change can impact the other areas.

If you are stuck in some area of your life or if you are feeling depressed or anxious pick one of these areas and do something different:

  • A relationship
  • work environment
  • home environment
  • physical health
  • give yourself the benefit of the doubt
  • how you greet your loved ones
  • go to bed earlier
  • eat more fruit and veggies
  • spend time outdoors

All of these things alter our chemistry and help us to get into another state of being.

What works for you?